God's Playground (and, subsequently, where I plan on retiring)

Residents say they often see God soaking up the sun on his veranda, often slurping on a few My Thais, soothing the pangs of old-age. Since losing millions during a bout with online rummy, God's fallen on hard times. He's taken to trawling the beach with a metal detector. Other times, when his arthritic hands allow it, he sketches the serene landscape podering what the future holds for him. His presence on the foreshore, regretabbly, has since been curbed, as many took to accosting him about "life issues." There is apparently "nothing he hates more." Nevertheless, God always makes sure he hands out a few ice cream cones to the young tykes. Recently, I had a chance to talk to god. I mine the depths of God's mind in search of some words of wisdom. Amongst other things discussed, God mentioned his past-time of trail-farting in public and listening to trip hop.

EP: God, first, I apprecia....
God: Shit, that's my mobile let me get that, hold on, uhm what was it? Erik?
EP: No, but...
God: Please, shutup this is important I need to take this.
EP: Got it.
God: OK, so Erik, sorry 'bout that, that was my AIG officer, seems my mortgage has gone to shit... kikes.
EP: Right, where was I? Uhm, yes I was just wanting to talk to you a bit about how you're coping with life,?
God: Fine, the wife's deceased, kids moved out years back...uhm, I got a tight little maisonette down on 1st there- water front, what else you got...hit me.
EP: Any particular activities you pass the time with, now that your Cuban live-in maid has installed a parental internet filter?
God: I spend most of my evenings listening to trip hop, or acid jazz, ocassionally I open up a place in my schedule to trail-fart in the local public houses.
EP: Im listening, care to lucubrate?
God: Lucubrate? Kid, don't be coy, I dont know whtat the shit means. Listen: actually, I gotta go, I got a 2:30; could we rescheduled this...acutally, no, Id rather we just left it at that. (aside) I need a double sidecar.
EP: Gosh, I was thinking we might flesh out some...
God: Listen kid, I lied, I dont have a 2:30, and you have short arms.

And so with that, God, it turns out, is a cocksucker. He answered two questions, and he kicked sand in my face and attempted to push me over as I reached to tie my shoes. I gotta be honest: bit of a fuck.